All My Heart
by Mrs. Elizabeth Gibbs
Summary: An AU, pre-series AbbeyxJed story. Abbey suffers a miscarriage in her fourth pregnancy, and the aftereffects leave her devastated and lost. Jed struggles to comfort her while also coming to terms with the loss of their son and being strong for their three girls, along with doing his duties as a Congressman.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first foray into a multi-chaptered West Wing story, but I'm feeling confident about updating for now; my muse is in love with the Abbey/Jed relationship at the moment. This is an AU, pre-series storyline; as far as I know, they didn't get pregnant after Zoey and have a miscarriage. I simply got this idea and couldn't let it go; it is going to be angsty, and devastating- it's not exactly an easy topic.

There will be a cast of characters in this story, from characters we know, like the McGarry family, to a few guest stars, like the Shepard family, and a few OCs, like Theresa Gold (mentioned in 'Hormone Horror'). I'm not positive about the length of this story yet; I'm guessing somewhere around twenty chapters, though.

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

* * *

"Mommy, play with me!"

Abbey Bartlet looked down at her youngest daughter, tugging on the hem of her shirt and thrusting a Barbie doll up in the air. The medical textbook she'd been reading had been swimming in front of her eyes; she was still exhausted, and in sore need of a nap.

"Will you Mommy?" Zoey asked this time, her blue eyes looking up at her mom, frowning slightly when Abbey rubbed at her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine sweetie, just tired," Abbey said, stroking her daughter's hair and tucking the soft strands behind the four year old's ear. "What do you say we take a nap before your sisters come home?"

Zoey frowned, blue eyes becoming troubled. At four she didn't like the idea of naps; her big sisters didn't have to, so why should she?

"You know how I come and sit with you while you're falling asleep?" Abbey asked instead, watching as Zoey's interest piped up and she nodded, strawberry blonde ringlets flying. "Could you do that for Mommy? Come lay with me until I fall asleep? You can even bring your Barbie."

"Okay, I can do that Mommy!" Zoey said, eyes shimmering with excitement. Abbey smiled, closing her textbook and kissing her daughter's head, standing and taking her hand.

The curve of her belly was becoming a little more prominent as the weeks passed, and she knew she and Jed had to sit the girls down and tell them. Abbey suspected Liz already knew; not much got past the fourteen year old. But nine year old Ellie and little Zoey didn't know any better, and Abbey was gratefully for Liz's silence.

Even at seventeen weeks, she was still terrified that something was going to happen with this pregnancy. She was nearing forty, her blood pressure was already noticeably higher than with her three pregnancies with the girls, and the stress of taking care of three children, a Congressman-husband, and her job was taking a toll on her.

But the thought of the baby growing in her womb; the thought of another new life she'd created with Jed, another part of him inside of her, pushed that fear a little farther away. She was already into the second trimester; the chance of miscarrying was decreasing as the weeks went by.

Zoey led her eagerly up the stairs, to the large master bedroom. She jumped onto the mattress and scooted under the covers, her Barbie in her hands as she waited for her mom. Abbey tugged her long, dark hair back into a ponytail; one of the good things about pregnancy was that her hair was growing nicely, along with her nails.

After exchanging her jeans for a pair of comfortable sweatpants with a loose waist, Abbey climbed in beside Zoey, smiling when the preschooler cuddled into her embrace.

"I'll watch you fall asleep Mommy and protect you, don't worry," Zoey said, but her declaration was already slurred with sleep, and her big blue eyes were half-shut and foggy with drowsiness.

"I know you will baby," Abbey whispered, kissing her forehead and closing her eyes, grateful for the warm body pressed against her for the first time all week; Jed wouldn't be home from Washington until the next day, for their doctor's appointment.

It felt like she'd barely fallen asleep when she was awoken to urgent shushing noises; blinking her eyes open against the heavy exhaustion, she discovered her three daughters in a circle just a few feet from the bed.

"Lizzie, I want Mommy!" Ellie whispered urgently, green eyes wide, dark hair falling into her eyes. "She's been asleep since we got home and I want her!"

"Haven't you seen how tired she's been lately? She needs to sleep Ellie, you can wait another hour or two," Liz whispered back, voice laced with concern. "Zo, can you stay with her until she wakes up?"

"She askted me to!" Zoey declared proudly, immediately shushed by her big sisters for being too loud. "Oops, sorry. But it's boring, I don't wanna sit still I wanna go outside and swing."

"You can do that later Zoey," Liz said, shaking her head, dark hair tumbling down her shoulders. "I need you to-"

"Girls, I'm awake, it's fine," Abbey said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes, giving them a fond smile. A quick glance at the clock told her she'd been asleep for four hours; Ellie and Liz's buses had dropped them off about an hour ago. "I appreciate you girls letting me sleep, but you should have woken me up when you got home from school."

She got out of bed, aware of the nausea that filled her from head to toe. She took a deep breath, pushing off the dizziness she felt.

"I'm thinking pizza and salad from Gino and Joe's for dinner, how does that sound?" Abbey knew the girls would jump on the suggestion; it wasn't often she placed the idea of take-out in front of them- that was their father's role usually. But she felt too tired and sluggish to fix dinner tonight; that, and her stomach didn't know how much it could take.

A chorus of 'yes please!' sounded and she smiled, heading for the bathroom.

"I'm going to take a quick shower; go down and set the table for me, and start your homework. I'll order when I get out, alright?" Abbey asked, watching as Ellie and Liz nodded.

"What about me Mommy?" Zoey asked, too little for homework. Suddenly her eyes widened, and a panicked look crossed her face. "Did I do a good job watching you today?"

"You did an excellent job, sweetheart," Abbey reassured her, watching as the little girl's face relaxed, the frown being replaced by a smile. "Why don't you color me a picture? And you can choose which movie to watch tonight, since Ellie picked last time."

"Okay Mommy!" Zoey exclaimed happily, grinning. The girls ducked out of the room to fulfill their requests, and Abbey walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. She gave into the nausea and sank to her knees by the toilet, the bile she brought up stinging her throat and bringing tears to her eyes.

The morning sickness had been consistent throughout her pregnancies with the girls, but this pregnancy she was attacked nonstop, throughout the day. She stood and flushed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

Her shower was brief; more a way to wake up than anything else. She was still plagued by exhaustion; she'd have to turn in early tonight and try to catch up for the weekend, when Jed was home. She didn't want to miss a moment of him being there.

She dressed in a new pair of jeans and one of Jed's Notre Dame sweatshirts, drying her hair quickly with the blow dryer and then heading downstairs. She found Liz and Ellie doing their homework like she'd asked, Zoey at the table with them coloring a picture out of her princess book.

She ordered a cheese pizza with half mushrooms and peppers along with a salad, and then set to making a pitcher of lemonade; soon, Zoey had wandered into the kitchen, wanting to help.

"What can I do Mommy?" she asked dragging a stool over and perching on it on her knees. Abbey had her carefully measure out some sugar, allowing her to dump it in, and then set her to stirring.

The phone rang and she heard Liz head into the hall to get it; she helped Zoey carry the pitcher to the fridge, to chill before dinner.

"Mom, it's Daddy!" Liz called, and Abbey felt relief fill her chest. She hadn't talked to her husband all day, and the ache in her chest at not hearing his voice lessened as she took the phone from her eldest daughter's hands.

"Jed," she said, all her relief flooding into his name. The three girls ducked back into the kitchen to leave them some privacy, and Abbey practically sank against the wall.

"Are you okay, Abbey?" Jed asked, his deep voice marred by the static of the phone line and concern. She heard him turn, the noise in his background quieting somewhat as his voice dropped. "Is it the baby?"

She could picture him, in his office, turning his back as he spoke so as not to let anyone overhear his words. They hadn't told anyone about the baby; not even their parents.

"I'm exhausted, Jed," she answered honestly, clutching the phone closer to her ear, wishing she was seeing his eyes. "But the baby's fine; just some nausea after my nap this afternoon. I miss you."

"I miss you too sweetheart," Jed said, and she knew he meant it. She struggled against the tears in her throat, not wanting to cry.

"I hate sleeping without you," she whispered, a few tears spilling over. "I don't know how I can go another night."

"I'll be home soon Abbey," her husband murmured, and she wiped away her tears, giving a soft chuckle. "What's so funny?"

"These hormones are killing me," she replied softly, and she could hear his smile through the phone. "Your plane lands at noon tomorrow?"

"Abbey, you don't have to come pick me up, it's fine," Jed said, but she shook her head, even though she knew he couldn't see her.

"Zoey and I will be at the gate," she said firmly, hearing him sigh. "Hurry home, Jed."

"I love you," he said, and she returned the sentiment before hanging up, sighing. She wasn't found of this arrangement, but they did what they could.

"We get to go get Daddy at the gate tomorrow?" Zoey asked excitedly, and Abbey nodded.

"Why don't Lizzie and I get to go?" Ellie asked, obviously disappointed.

"You two will be in school already," Abbey reminded her, tucking some hair behind her daughter's ear. "He'll be here when you get home."

The doorbell rang and Abbey grabbed some cash out of her wallet, walking to the door and exchanging the money for the food, thanking the teenaged delivery boy.

"Girls, go wash your hands, the food is here!" Abbey called, hearing them scamper to the bathroom, fighting each other for control of the sink. She brought the food to the kitchen and opened the box, selecting a small mushroom and pepper slice for herself before taking some salad, and grabbing the lemonade from the fridge.

Liz, Ellie, and Zoey raced back to the table, where Abbey promptly told them to calm down. They prayed and then ate, and Abbey listened to Ellie and Liz both tell her about their day. She only ate part of her dinner; the nausea still hadn't completely dispersed, so she simply sipped her glass of water and listened attentively.

Together they cleaned up, and after checking that Liz and Ellie had finished their homework, they all sat down to watch Zoey's movie pick. Tonight, it was Beauty and the Beast.

Abbey fought to stay awake throughout the cartoon; Zoey's warm body was curled up in her lap, Ellie was on one side, Liz on the other. When it was over and Belle and the prince were married, Abbey carried a sound-asleep Zoey to bed, and ushered her two other stumbling daughters into pajamas and then their beds.

By the time Abbey fell under the covers she was exhausted. She'd started a new load of laundry and folded the newly cleaned things, and straightened up some things for when Jed got home tomorrow afternoon. She curled up in a ball and sighed, closing her eyes.

The warm hand brushing the hair from her face jerked her from her dream; it wasn't until she recognized Jed's soothing voice that the panic fell away.

"I thought you weren't going to be home tonight," she said, still drowsy, but contentment filling her as she snuggled closer to him. His arms slid around her, holding her close, dropping a kiss onto the top of her head.

"I wanted to surprise you," he replied quietly, his hands rubbing her back gently. "I was at the airport when I called earlier."

"Sneaky jackass," she murmured, though the smile on her lips and happiness in her voice counteracted the name. He started to move away and she gave a small moan of complaint, not wanting him to let her go.

"I've gotta take a shower babe; then I'll be back," he whispered, kissing her lips gently. She responded by grabbing his face in her hands, opening her mouth against his and moaning when he responded with his tongue.

"Shower after," she breathed against his lips, opening dark green eyes to his, seeing his resolve to wait lessening. It had been almost two weeks since they'd been intimate and she knew it was killing him too.

He left her briefly to lock the door and to strip off his clothing; she sped up the process by ditching the sleep shorts and over-sized t-shirt she'd worn to bed. He slid into bed in his boxers and she was in only her panties; soon both of those were lost as their kissing resumed, adding in roaming hands under the covers this time.

An hour later they were back in bed after a shower together; too tired to go another round, Abbey had simply enjoyed being around her husband. Under the covers again they had a few minutes of pillow talk, but Abbey was too tired to truly participate; Jed noticed, and drew her into his arms, tucking her head underneath his chin.

"Get some sleep babe," he whispered, kissing her damp hair softly. "I love you."

She mumbled her response back, the blackness of sleep already tugging on her as she cuddled into his warmth.

* * *

When she awoke to an empty bed the next morning, she thought she'd merely dreamt the whole thing, but then she heard the excited sounds of three girls, and she smiled to herself. There was no nausea this morning, and she couldn't help but smile wider; things were starting to turn up.

She brushed her teeth before padding downstairs, wrapped in Jed's sweatershirt. She found her husband and daughters in the kitchen, Jed making them pancakes and bacon and listening actively to everything they were telling him about the past two weeks.

"Mommy, I thought Daddy wasn't going to be home until I got home from school!" Ellie said when she noticed Abbey walking into the kitchen, coming over to kiss her good morning. "Were you surprising us, did you know he was going to be here this morning?"

"No, your daddy surprised me too," Abbey said, shaking her head and sending her husband an affectionate smile. "Everyone's ready for school?"

All three girls nodded their heads dutifully, and Zoey reached for her, kissing her cheek when Abbey scooped her up into her arms.

"Mommy, can Daddy come with us to drop me off?" she asked, eyes wide and pleading, and Abbey smiled.

"I can't see why not if he wants to," she said, knowing full well Jed would never miss an opportunity to take Zoey to preschool with her. Zoey swung her head to look at her dad, working her puppy dog eyes on him.

"Pleaseeeeeee Daddy?" Zoey asked, and Jed played around for only a moment, stroking his chin as though in thought. Then he grinned, nodding.

"Of course I'll come Zo," he said, and the little girl squealed. Abbey let her down, coming over to kiss her husband lightly. "Morning babe. I turned off your alarm so you'd sleep, I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind anything right now, Jed," Abbey said, shaking her head and pouring herself a glass of orange juice. "You're home, that's all that matters to me."

His smile warmed her stomach; God, did she miss him when he was away.

"Mom, can I stay afterschool for math today?" Liz asked, looking up from putting her homework folder in her backpack. "I have a test tomorrow and I want to make sure I know what I'm doing."

"I don't see why not," Abbey said, nodding. "I'd like to pick you up though; I don't want you riding with the high school kids."

"Mom, I'm in eighth grade, I'm practically _in_ high school," Liz whined, but Abbey held her ground. Eventually the teenager gave in, and with that, Jed and Abbey kissed their two oldest daughters goodbye and watched them walk off to the bus stop together.

Leaving Zoey to watch a morning cartoon they headed upstairs, hands intertwined.

"I moved our appointment to nine this morning," Jed said, once they'd shut the door to their bedroom. "So we can drop Zoey off and then go, and not worry about getting your mom to watch her."

"That works out much better," Abbey said, nodding. She tugged her sweatpants off, stretching like a cat and making Jed swallow. "I think we need to tell the girls this afternoon. Jed? Are you listening to me?"

He hadn't been, in fact; his thoughts had been focused on her long legs and her expanding chest; she threw a slipper at him, and he jerked out of his trance.

"Sorry," he muttered, and after she'd repeated herself, he nodded. "And we can tell our parents this week too. Invite them all over for dinner."

Abbey consented, falling back onto the mattress, sighing softly. Jed pushed her t-shirt up gently, lips touching the soft swell of her belly. Her hands threaded lightly into his hair, murmuring in contentment as he kissed her stomach softly.

"We can find out today, you know," she said quietly, and he looked up at her, chin resting on her abdomen. "If we're having a boy or a girl."

"Can we?" Jed asked, eyes lighting up. She nodded, smiling as she stroked her fingers through his hair. He leaned up and kissed her, lips gentle against hers. "Shower time?"

* * *

"A boy," Abbey whispered, holding the picture in her lap after their appointment, driving home. Her pointer finger traced the outline of their son, holding her breath. She'd seen Jed's eyes when the doctor had twirled the wand around, finally turning the monitor to show them their baby. Then, she'd asked if they wanted to know the gender; after their eager answers of yes, she'd announced they were having a boy. "Jed, we're having a boy."

He didn't answer; he merely reached over, entwining their fingers and squeezing. She knew he was thrilled; he didn't need to say anything.

They had a quiet rest of the morning; they picked Zoey up and went out to lunch, and then when Ellie and Liz got home, they pulled them all into the living room and sat them down.

"Your dad and I have something we want to tell you guys," Abbey said, glancing at Jed, who nodded. "I know I've been tired more lately, and not always in the mood to play with you girls."

"Are you going to have another baby?" Liz asked when Abbey took a breath, and Abbey's eyes widened slightly at the interruption. Then she nodded, lips parting in a smile.

"Yes we are," she said, looking at all three girls before continuing. "In a few months you girls are going to have a baby brother."

"We get a baby brother?" Ellie asked, perking up slightly. Jed nodded, tucking some of Ellie's dark hair behind her ears.

"Your mom and I found out this morning," he said, and all three eyes widened. "Some things are going to change around here the next few weeks, and we're all going to have to adjust to the idea of a new baby in the house."

All three girls nodded, and were oddly quiet, but both parents had expected that after such big news.

"Do you guys have any questions?" Abbey asked, eyes searching all three faces. Zoey was silent, her face unreadable, and that Abbey worried a little. "Zoey?"

"Am I still gonna be your baby?" she asked, and suddenly her blue eyes were filling with tears. Abbey's heart broke, and she carefully gathered the little girl onto her lap, shushing her gently and wiping away the tears.

"Oh Zoey, you know you'll always be my baby," Abbey said, tucking a few strawberry blonde curls behind the little girl's ear. "Just because there'll be a new baby doesn't mean anything is going to change between the two of us."

"You promise?" Zoey asked tearfully, sniffing as she looked up at her mom. Abbey nodded, sticking her pinky out.

"Promise," she affirmed, and Zoey wound her smaller finger around her mom's. "Ellie? Lizzie? You guys okay?"

Both girls nodded, smiling at her.

"Where's the baby gonna sleep?" Ellie asked, tucking her knees under herself.

"Well, for the first few weeks he'll sleep in Mommy and Daddy's room," Abbey answered, stroking Zoey's hair softly. "Just like all three of you did. And then we're going to convert that guest room upstairs into a nursery."

"Can I help paint it?" Ellie asked, eyes shining eagerly. Abbey nodded, grinning at her daughter's enthusiasm, tweaking her nose.

The rest of the afternoon was blissfully quiet and calm; Abbey took a nap while Jed helped the girls with their homework and made dinner, and then the girls dragged them into a game of 'Sorry' before bed. After Ellie had thoroughly beaten the pants off everyone they finally said goodnight; Jed read to Zoey while Abbey sat down with Ellie.

"Are you excited about the baby?" she asked carefully, tucking her middle daughter in and stroking her hair, brushing her cheek gently with her thumb. Ellie nodded, green eyes so similar to Abbey's sparkling.

"I can't wait to have a brother," she said, but quickly continued. "I mean I love Lizzie and Zoey but I'd like a brother too, I already have two sisters!"

"Well I'm excited too," Abbey said, leaning forward and kissing her daughter's forehead. "I know you're going to be a great help to me these next couple months, especially with Zoey."

Ellie nodded, eager to please her mom.

"Goodnight sweetheart, sleep tight. Daddy'll be in in a few minutes," Abbey said, touching her daughter's cheek once more before standing up, starting Ellie's music box.

She passed Jed in the hall, squeezing his hand lightly before heading into Liz's room, finding the teenager reading in bed.

"Hey Mom," she said, marking her page with her bookmark and shutting it, snuggling up under the covers. Abbey sat on the edge, brushing her daughter's dark hair back from her eyes, smiling. "I'm excited about the baby. Does this mean I get to babysit?"

"It would be very helpful if you could," Abbey said, nodding. "You, your dad and I will talk about it soon, okay?"

Liz nodded, smiling.

"Sleep well, baby," she said, bending to kiss her daughter's forehead. Liz's arms wrapped around her neck, tugging her into a hug Abbey gladly returned. It was unexpected, but then again maybe not- Liz certainly wasn't above needing the reassurance that things with her mother weren't going to change. "I love you so much, Elizabeth."

"I love you too Mommy," Liz said, reverting from her teenaged ways to the little girl that used to tug on Abbey's stethoscope and ask to listen to Daddy's heartbeat. Abbey kissed her daughter's cheek, swallowing the tears in her throat.

She exchanged places with Jed a final time, making her way into Zoey's room and finding the little girl curled up in a ball, her back to the door.

"Zoey?" Abbey asked softly, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing her youngest daughter's back. "Baby, talk to Mommy."

"What if the new baby doesn't like me?" Zoey asked in a small voice, still not facing Abbey, but bringing her head a little out of the pillow. "What if the new baby hates me?"

"Oh, sweetheart, the new baby could never hate you, you're his big sister!" Abbey said, gently rolling Zoey over, wiping the tears off her tiny cheeks. "You're going to teach him so many things, and help him and love him so much, he'll never be able to hate you!"

"What if I don't like him?" Zoey asked in an even smaller voice, eyes downcast from her mother's, unable to look at her. "I won't be the baby anymore."

"Oh, Zoey baby," Abbey said, raising her daughter's chin up, looking into her eyes. "I told you, you're always going to be my baby, even when you're twenty years old. And you won't hate the baby; he's your little brother. I didn't always like my little brother, but I'll _always_ love him."

"You didn't always love Uncle Jack?" Zoey asked, eyes widening. Abbey shook her head, smiling down at her daughter.

"He got on my nerves a lot, but he was still my little brother, and I always wanted to protect him," Abbey said, and Zoey's eyes widened further. "And Zo, you do such a good job of protecting me, like today when we took our nap, I just know you'll do a great job of protecting him."

"I wanna do good protecting him Mommy!" Zoey said, and Abbey smiled, kissing her daughter's nose.

"And you will sweet pea," Abbey said, smoothing Zoey's covers. "But to be a good protector you have to sleep. So sweet dreams, Zoey. I love you so very much."

"I love you too, Mommy," Zoey said, snuggling under her comforter, just her tiny reddish blonde head peeking out. "Goodnight!"

Abbey smiled as she left her youngest daughter's room, clicking the door shut softly and heading to her bedroom, where Jed was already half undressed.

"I think that went really well," she said, sinking down onto the edge of the bed, reclining back. "I talked to Zoey, I think we're on the same page now."

"Good," Jed said, tossing his shirt aside and sitting next to her, kissing her temple. "How do you feel, Abbey?"

"Tired," she said truthfully, rubbing a hand down her face. "And I have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning for rounds at seven."

"C'mon; let's get some sleep then, babe," Jed said, blue eyes softened with concern, touching her cheek lightly. Abbey nodded, sighing.

"I was never this tired with the girls," she complained, climbing in beside him, setting her alarm.

"You didn't have three demanding kids already," he reminded her, and she nodded, curling into his side, kissing his jaw lightly. "I'll take 'em to the zoo tomorrow; tire 'em out."

Abbey laughed softly, burying her nose in his neck.

"We should have our parents over for dinner on Friday," she said, feeling him nod against her.

"Sleep, Abbey. We have all weekend to plan."

* * *

The following Thursday night, Jed was exhausted, just having arrived back from DC. He was unbuttoning his shirt when Abbey walked in, looking devastated.

"Abbey-"

"Jed I'm bleeding," she whispered, her eyes filling with terrified tears. He looked confused, noticing the red towel in her hands. Then, he realized it wasn't a red towel.

It was a white towel drenched in blood.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you so much for the feedback so far! To my anon reviewer: try watchseries! They have links to all the episodes of The West Wing. And you really won't regret watching- it was one of the best decisions I ever made! :)

We meet Abbey's parents in this chapter; I haven't been able to find any information that their names were mentioned on the show, so I've made them up myself. (It's a throwback to Gilmore Girls!)

I tried not to do too much medical jargon for fear of being horrifically wrong, but if anything isn't accurate, well, it's my story. I also stole Addison Montgomery from Grey's Anatomy; I figured time lines weren't that important since it's pre-series, and she's the only fictional OBGYN doctor I know.

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

* * *

"Abbey-"

"We need to go to the hopsital, Jed," she said, cutting him off, voice thick with the tears that shone in her eyes. "I think I'm having a miscarriage."

His heart stopped in his chest; panic began to rise.

"Go get the girls," she whispered, hand clutching her abdomen as she winced, body shuddering as a cramp seized her muscles. She looked up, seeing him frozen, and choked back a sob, gesturing towards the door. "Jed, please, _go_."

He swallowed, trying to push the panic down and went to Liz's room first; as soon as he's uttered the word 'hospital' she was up, and he instructed her to get Ellie up- they didn't need to get dressed, just go downstairs and put their boots and coats on. In Zoey's room he woke the little girl up gently, helping her put real underwear on before carrying her downstairs, where Liz was helping Ellie zip her coat and Abbey was gripping the table, eyes closed and lips compressed in a tight, agonized line.

He got Zoey into her coat and boots as quickly as possible, helping Abbey shrug into her coat as well before opening the door, the frigid January air blasting them as they left. After buckling Zoey into her carseat he helped Abbey into the passenger seat; Ellie and Liz climbed into the car silently.

The ride was deathly silent, aside from Abbey's muffled gasps of pain and muted sobs, her hand gripping Jed's tightly, squeezing even harder when the cramps got too intense. In the backseat Zoey was asleep in her seat, Ellie was fighting to keep her eyes open, and Liz look terrified, eyes fixed on her mother. Jed's eyes flicked between the icy road and his wife; the drive to the hospital felt like forever.

When they finally pulled in, Jed helped Abbey while Liz held Ellie and Zoey's hands; both girls were still half-asleep, shuffling their feet and wincing at the bright hospital lights.

The nurse at the desk recognized Abbey immediately, dark eyes tightening in concern.

"Abbey, what's wrong?" Rhonda Brand had been a nurse at Manchester University Hospital for over thirty years, and had worked with Abbey since she'd become a thoracic surgeon there. She was more than just a nurse; she was a friend.

"I think I'm having a miscarriage," Abbey managed to say, trying to breathe through her tears. "I'm almost eighteen weeks, no problems before right now."

"I'll call Dr. Montgomery, and get you a room," Rhonda said, face showing she meant business, but eyes showing the compassion of a friend. Jed watched her walk away, one hand resting what he hoped was soothingly on Abbey's back, the other clutching Zoey's tiny hand.

"Daddy?" Zoey asked, voice sleepy and slurred, her blue eyes still half-closed. "Is Mommy okay?"

"Liz, go take your sisters and sit," Jed said, voice strained, eyes darting back to his wife when she gasped in pain. "Grandma and Grandpa will be here soon to sit with you girls."

The teenager nodded, eyes wide with fear. Jed look at his daughters; Liz was in snowman pajama pants, Ellie was shivering in her nightgown and coat, legs exposed and peeking out from her purple boots, and Zoey was leaning sleepily against Liz's side, dressed in a pair of flannel pajamas covered in hearts. His heart broke all over again, and he fought against the tears, knowing he needed to be strong for his family.

Liz started to lead her sisters away when Ellie dropped her hand, running for Jed and wrapping her arms around him, her small body shaking with sobs as she buried her face in his waist.

"Is Mommy gonna come back?" she asked through hiccups, tears streaking her cheeks, throat thick with emotion. "Last time you went in there with Grandpa he didn't come back."

Ellie's sobs deepened, her desperation reaching a peak as she mentioned Jed's father and the heart attack that had claimed his life only a year and a half ago. It seemed to snap Abbey back to reality despite her pain, and with tears on her own face, reached down to cradle her daughter tightly to her chest, crying into her soft chestnut hair.

"I promise I'll come back," she whispered, anguish in her voice. She pulled back, framing her middle daughter's face in her hands, locking eyes with her. "Ellie, I promise I'll come back."

Ellie's eyes welled up with fresh tears, lips parting in a choked sob.

"That's what Grandpa said," she whispered in a voice that took what was left of Abbey's heart and shattered it. Abbey's tears spilled over as Ellie ran back to her sisters, falling into Liz's embrace and continuing to sob inconsolably. She turned to Jed, pressing her face into his chest, body wracked with sobs.

"Abbey, we have a room; Addison is on her way from the delivery rooms," Rhonda said, coming back over to them, motioning for them to follow. Abbey clung to Jed as they walked, tightening her grip when the spasms of pain came. Rhonda led them to the room, where Abbey already knew the drill. While she changed Rhonda pulled Jed aside, lowering her voice. "I'll keep an eye on the girls; do you need me to call anyone?"

"Abbey's parents," Jed replied softly, watching Abbey with pained eyes. "They can take the girls home when they get here. Their number should be in her file."

Rhonda nodded, squeezing Jed's hand in comfort and disappearing, only to be replaced by a tall woman with thick red hair, who he presumed was Dr. Montgomery.

"What's going on, Abbey?" she asked, nodding to Jed and reaching Abbey's side, helping her into the bed.

"I started bleeding about an hour ago, I figured it was nothing, that it would stop," Abbey explained, motioning for Jed to come stand with her. She linked her fingers with his, needing his support. "But it didn't; it got heavier and darker, and I started to feel pain and cramping. I think I'm having a miscarriage, Addie."

Addison finished her exam of Abbey, green eyes dark with sadness, essentially confirming Abbey's own diagnosis.

"I'll see if I can find a heartbeat," she said quietly, grabbing the ultrasound equipment while Abbey desperately tried to keep her emotions in check. Jed pressed his lips to her forehead, wishing he could be of more comfort.

The seconds felt like hours as Addison swept the wand across Abbey's abdomen, the soft, defined swell there a fresh addition to the heartbreak. There was no sound; no rushing, fluttering heartbeat like at their appointment only last week.

"I'm sorry, Abbey," Addison said in a soft voice, shutting the machine off and turning to her. "There's no heartbeat; it looks like there's something wrong with the placenta. The baby stopped getting oxygen, and there appears to be a small tear. You're cramping because your body tried to go into labor, but it can't."

There was a moment of silence, and Abbey struggled to get enough of a grip on her emotions that she could speak.

"What do we do?" she whispered, voice breaking towards the end. She felt Jed's grip on her hand tighten, knew he was in as much pain as she was.

"I'd recommend a D and C," Addison replied after a small sigh, wishing she didn't have to have this conversation. "It has the least risk of infection, and you'll be back on your feet in only a few days."

"Is there another option?" Jed asked, his voice hoarse. Addison's face darkened slightly, and she ran a hand through her crimson hair, sighing again.

"We could wait to let it happen naturally, but the risk of infection is much higher, and Abbey will be in pain much longer," she replied, eyes looking between the couple. "And if you were to decide to try for another baby, the risks are much higher if you choose the natural road."

Jed nodded, but Abbey was too far into her own little world of grief to hear what Addison was saying. She'd lost their son; their only chance to have a son and she'd lost him.

"You have some time to decide," Addison said, sensing Abbey needed some time to think. "But don't wait too long, I'd rather not risk an infection."

Jed nodded and Addison slipped out, leaving him and his wife alone.

"Abbey?" Jed asked softly, sitting on the edge of her bed and looking at her, heart breaking at how small and pale she looked. "Sweetheart?"

"I lost our son," she whispered, tears spilling over her lids, streaming down her cheeks. "I lost our baby, Jed."

He couldn't think of anything to say as he pulled her gently into his embrace.

* * *

Emily Barrington knew something was horribly wrong when a nurse from the hospital called at ten thirty at night to say they needed to come and stay with their granddaughters because her daughter had been admitted.

She shook her husband awake, his blue eyes still hazy with sleep.

"Richard, we have to get to the hospital; Abigail's been admitted and we need to stay with the girls," she said, and instantly the haze was gone.

Half an hour later they were walking into the hospital waiting room, finding Liz holding both of her sleeping sisters, all three of them cuddled together on the couch in the waiting room.

"Grandma," she said in relief, nudging Zoey and Ellie gently. "Guys, Grandma and Grandpa are here."

Roused from sleep, Zoey's eyes widened when she saw her grandparents, reaching her arms up. Emily scooped the little girl up, kissing her head and holding her tightly. Richard sat down between Ellie and Liz and wrapped his arms around them, letting them burrow their heads into his shoulders.

"I want Mommy," Zoey whimpered, tears forming in her eyes. "Where's Mommy?"

"She's with your daddy, sweetheart," Emily said, stroking her granddaughter's hair soothingly as she rocked her gently. "I'm going to leave you with Grandpa and see what's going on, okay?"

Zoey resisted at first, latching onto Emily even tighter, but after her grandmother promised she'd be back in a minute, relaxed her arms and legs and curled up in her grandfather's lap.

Emily made her way to the nurse's station, where the woman sitting behind the desk greeted her with a small smile.

"You're Abbey's mother?" the woman asked, and Emily nodded, swallowing.

"How is my daughter?" she asked, stomach tightening; her mother's intuition told her something was terribly wrong. The nurse's eys flickered with sadness, and her stomach tightened further.

"She was admitted for a miscarriage," the nurse, whose name tag said Rhonda, informed her. Emily heart dropped, and she covered her mouth with her hand as despair washed over her.

Abbey hadn't even told her- but then Emily thought about the dinner they were supposed to be having tomorrow and her heart twisted in pain for her daughter.

"Can I see her?" she asked, working to keep the emotion from spilling too much into her voice.

"I'm sorry, Jed is with her now, I can't allow visitors until after treatment," Rhonda answered, eyes showing how truly sorry she was. Emily nodded, understanding.

"Please let us know when we can see her," she said, and Rhonda nodded.

"Jed asked that you take the girls home," Rhonda said, just as Emily was turning to leave. "It'll be hours before Abbey's ready to see anyone, and he'd rather they not stay here."

Emily nodded, knowing what her son-in-law said was true.

"We'll take them back to the house to get some things and then they can spend the night at our house; tell Jed we'll keep them from school for the time being," Emily said, grateful when Rhonda assured her she would.

She walked back to the girls and her husband, stroking Elizabeth's hair and pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

"We're going to take you girls home to pack a bag and you'll be stay with us for a little while," she told them gently, watching as all three pairs of eyes widened fearfully. "Just until your mommy is out of the hospital. She has to stay for a couple of days to get better."

The fear lessened slightly, but Ellie's eyes welled up with tears.

"Is Mommy hurt?" she asked, trying to brush the tears away but unable to. "Is she hurt a lot?"

"Yeah, she's hurt a little," Emily said gently, tucking some of Ellie's dark hair behind her ear. "But the doctors are going to take really good care of her, I promise."

Ellie nodded, but her tears didn't stop; Emily was struck once again but how much Ellie was Abbey's daughter. Zoey climbed off Richard's lap to sit on Ellie's, wrapping her small arms around her big sister's neck in a hug. She snuggled against her sister, who wrapped her arms around Zoey's body and held her close, burying her face into her hair and crying softly.

"I love you Ellie," Zoey said, too little to really understand what was happening, but knowing that her sister needed comfort. Emily almost couldn't hold back the tears this time; their family didn't need this heartbreak now.

"Let's get you home, girls," Richard said softly, rubbing Liz's back and kissing her forehead, encouraging her to stand. Emily scooped Zoey up and Richard picked Ellie up; Emily was glad he was strong enough to lift the slim nine year old, because she didn't think Ellie could walk on her own.

Emily shot a last glance back at Rhonda, who sent her a nod- her daughter was in good hands.

* * *

He didn't know how much longer he could watch his wife suffer.

They had to make the decision on the D and C; Abbey was in pain and risking infection the longer she pushed off the surgery, and he couldn't stand her whimpers of pain and agony.

But he knew she didn't want to say yes; she didn't want to fully accept that they'd lost their son. Not yet; not when only a week ago everything had been perfect and healthy and happy.

"Abbey," he said softly, cupping her hand gently in both of his, watching as her green eyes flicked open, the irises rimmed in a pain he couldn't even begin to imagine. "We have to make the decision."

She choked back the sob, covering her mouth with her free hand and closing her eyes, tears pushing their way out from under her lids, running down her cheeks.

"How can I do it?" she asked hoarsely, opening her eyes and looking at him, anguish lining her face. "He was fine last week, Jed. How can this be happening? Why do we have to do this?"

"I don't know baby," he whispered, kissing her palm, his own tears pricking his eyes as she sobbed again, the sound tearing at his heart. "I don't know."

He'd never seen Abbey cry this much. It was almost unnerving, seeing such a strong woman so hopeless and devastated.

An hour later, she consented to the surgery, when the pain became too much and Addison urged her to make the decision. Jed waited with her while she was prepped, knowing he wouldn't be allowed in the room.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing her hand gently, realizing this was the most privacy they'd get. Abbey touched his cheek with the same hand, drawing him down for a real kiss; he could taste the saltiness if her tears on her lips.

"I love you too," she whispered back, voice raw with anguish. Jed rested his forehead on hers for a moment, wishing they could go back in time and change this. But he couldn't, so he watched as they wheeled her away, heart in his throat.

It felt like he was watching them wheel his entire world away.

* * *

_"Don't leave me so cold; I'm buried beneath the stones," -'The End', Pearl Jam [I listened to this on repeat while writing this chapter.]_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you so much for the feedback so far! I'm sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up; I had college orientation the past couple days! And, my grad party is tomorrow, so things are crazy busy getting ready for that. Hopefully after this weekend things will slow down a little and updates will happen a little more quickly :)

I can't help it with my corny references with names. It's a disease.

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

* * *

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

Inhale. Exhale.

He kept reminding himself to breathe, focusing on the ticking of the clock above his head. The seconds dragged by; each one was another moment longer his wife was in surgery.

He swallowed, his face hung in his hands.

"Mr. Bartlet?"

Jed looked up, relief filling him when he encountered Addison standing before him. She was dressed in pink scrubs, crimson hair pulled back underneath a blue cap.

"How's Abbey?" he asked, eyes searching her face for any sign of bad news.

"Your wife is fine," Addison reassured him, and he relaxed, blowing out a slow breath. "The surgery went well; in a few days, she should be feeling noticeably less pain and the bleeding should stop. No sexual relations for at least two weeks; she needs to heal."

Jed nodded, knowing that wasn't going to be a problem- not just in the physical sense, but in the emotional one. Abbey was going to be incredibly fragile, he knew that. Addison's eyes met his, and there was something in those green depths that gave him pause.

"I'm going to tell this to Abbey too, but I'd like you to hear it first," Addison said, and Jed nodded, frowning slightly as he tried to understand where she could be heading with this conversation. "I know it's going to seem like trying to have another child as soon as possible will be the only way to move on from this heartbreak, but as both a medical professional and a friend, I strongly advise against it. Abbey's body just can't handle another pregnancy- I'm almost certain it would end in miscarriage again. And, trying to replace one child with another is no way to move past this. I care very deeply for your wife Jed- she's a brilliant surgeon, an incredible woman, and a beautiful friend. I can't bear to see her destroying herself over this."

Jed nodded, feeling numb.

He hadn't thought about another child; after this loss, he hadn't seen them trying for another baby. But he hadn't thought about what Abbey might want. He ached inside, his heart throbbing from the scars this night had created.

"Can I see her?" he asked, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice. Addison nodded, and he stood, letting her lead him to the recovery room. She was the only patient in the open room, looking so small in the large white bed.

"She'll sleep for another few hours or so- but you can sit with her," Addison said quietly, and Jed nodded, walking over to his wife's bedside and sinking into the chair there, taking her smaller hand in both of his, running his thumb along the pale skin. He kissed her palm, closing his eyes and leaning forward, resting his forehead on the edge of the mattress.

He hadn't intended to fall asleep, but he was awoken by a gentle hand running over his hair. He straightened, worried something had happened to Abbey while he had been asleep, but relaxed when he saw his wife watching him, her hand still threaded lightly into his hair.

"Hey," he said, voice rough with sleep. Abbey's hand dropped from his hair to caress his cheek, fingers brushing his jaw bone lightly.

"Hey," she replied softly, shifting on the bed. Jed swallowed, sitting up further, scooting his chair a little closer. They were still the only ones in the recovery room; he guessed it was early morning, from the window in the corner of the room.

"How'd you feel?" he asked, reaching forward and tucking a strand of dark hair back behind her ear, fingers lingering at her neck. She shrugged, wincing slightly at the movement.

"Sore," she replied, fingers lacing together in her lap. "It hurts everywhere."

He could hear in her voice that she didn't just mean physically, and he frowned, wishing there were some magic words he could say to make this better. Instead he leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead, lingering there for a few moments. Her hands gripped his shirt, holding him closer to her, and he could feel her body shaking against his.

"We'll make it through this," he whispered into her hair, holding her gently. "I promise we'll make it through this Abbey."

She only cried harder at his words.

* * *

"Grandma, when can we see Mom?" Liz asked after breakfast, once Richard had taken Ellie and Zoey upstairs to get some sleep; both girls were overtired and cranky, which didn't help the frightened emotions both girls were experiencing. Emily sighed, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand.

"I don't know, sweetheart," Emily answered honestly, tucking some of her granddaughter's dark hair behind her ear. "Whenever your father calls and tells us we can visit."

Her eldest granddaughter sighed, rubbing at the back of her neck with the palm of her hand, raising sad blue eyes to hers.

"It was the baby, wasn't it?" she asked, and Emily's eyes widened slightly. Elizabeth was a bright girl, and old enough to have understood what was happening- and Abbey and Jed must have told the girls before they decided to tell anyone else about the pregnancy. Emily nodded sadly, and Liz's eyes filled with tears. "Did Mom lose him?"

Emily's heart broke even further- they'd been expecting a boy?

"She was admitted for a miscarriage," Emily confirmed with another sad nod, and Liz's tears spilled over.

"Oh poor Mom and Dad," she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand. Emily pulled the teenager into her embrace, kissing her head and rubbing her back, murmuring reassurances. "They were so happy about this baby."

"I'm sure they were," Emily whispered, her own tears pricking her eyes. "Oh, I'm sure they were, sweetheart."

Once Emily had gotten Liz into bed, she sat in the living room with Richard, the quiet around them deafening. Normally when the girls were here, it was loud and excited and happy. Now the air was melancholy and sad; it made Emily's chest ache.

"They were expecting a boy," she said suddenly, seeing Richard turn to look at her, blue eyes pained. "Liz asked if Abbey had lost 'him'. They were going to have a son, Richard."

Her husband swallowed heavily, bringing her into his embrace. He kissed her forehead, letting her tears overflow onto his shirt.

"How do I help my daughter?" she asked in a sob, desperation tingeing her voice. "How am I supposed to help Abbey through losing a baby?"

"You support her the only way you know how," Richard said quietly, hand stroking lightly up and down her back. "You be her mother, Emily. That's all she needs from you."

Emily was silent as she contemplated her husband's words, wiping away her tears and taking a few deep breaths.

"I should call Jack and Rose," she said, sitting up and running a hand through her hair, swallowing.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Richard asked, face looking uneasy. "They hadn't even told us they were pregnant yet- though, I'm assuming that's what tomorrow's dinner was about. Wha if they decide to keep this quiet?"

"He's her brother, Richard," Emily answered, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "Why would she keep that from him?"

"Because Rose is pregnant and they have three healthy children as well," Richard replied softly, and Emily's eyes widened, understanding flashing across her features. "I just don't want Abbey to hurt anymore than she already is. Let's give them a few days, allow them to heal a little."

Emily nodded, sighing softly.

"I hope Jed calls soon," she said, almost under her breath. Richard nodded, shifting his legs up onto the coffee table, encouraging her to recline against him.

"Close your eyes, Em. You're exhausted. I'll wake you if Jed calls, I promise," he said, and she hesitated for a moment before relaxing, resting her head on his chest.

"Thank you," she murmured, the movements of his hand rubbing her back sending her closer and closer to sleep.

"You're welcome," he replied softly, and she felt him kiss her hair. "Sleep, Emily."

His voice in her ear was the last soothing thing she heard before blackness claimed her.

* * *

Abbey was in her own room now, but all she truly wanted was to go home and curl up in her own bed.

The white walls and antiseptic smell of the hospital- something that was usually a comfort to her- was driving her mad. Jed had left to get coffee and call her parents, to see how the girls were. Abbey missed her daughters; it had been almost two whole days since she'd seen them and it was killing her.

Jed came back into the room with two to-go cups of coffee, and Abbey's heart ached at how exhausted he looked. He'd been up half the night on a make-shift conference call with his staff about a bill that they were formulating, and he'd barely slept the night before.

"Your mom said the girls are fine; they can keep them another night," Jed said, and even his voice sounded tired. He hadn't shaved in two days, and the shadow on his face and neck aged him. "Addison said you can be discharged; there's paperwork to sign."

Abbey nodded, swallowing.

"I called Ron," he said, and Abbey's eyes widened; Ron Waters was Jed's Chief of Staff at his Congressional office. "I won't be going back to Washington for the next few weeks; I'll be working from home."

"Jed, you don't have to-"

"Yes, I do Abbey- my family comes before my job, I've told you that," Jed interrupted, shaking his head. "I'm needed here; Washington can survive without me for a month or two."

Abbey swallowed, nodding. The fear that had been inside at the thought of being alone, without Jed, and trying to deal with this lessened at his words, but guilt took its place; she knew being a Congressman and helping their country was important to Jed.

"I have the paperwork," Addison said, coming into the room and putting an end to anymore discussion about Jed's work. "I just need you to sign some things, and then you're ready to go home."

Abbey took the papers, reading through them quickly and signing where needed; Jed came over to sign one of the other release forms and then brought her clothes over. While Addison processed the paperwork Abbey changed, her movements slow so as to avoid pain from stretching.

When Addison came back to tell her everything had processed, Abbey was sitting on the edge of the bed, drinking coffee, and Jed was pacing the length of the room.

"You're all set, Abbey," Addison said, eyes glancing between the couple. "I don't want to see you back in this hospital for at least three weeks, do you hear me? I don't care about emergencies; if you're back in this hospital and wearing a lab coat, you're going to get your ass booted by me."

Abbey nodded, the hints of a small touching her lips as she embraced Addison. The redhead gave her a tight squeeze, pulling back after a moment.

"Remember what I said," she said quietly, eyes locking into Abbey's. "And know I'm only a phone call and possibly a hospital beeper away if you need me."

"Thanks, Addie," Abbey said, squeezing her friend's hand. Addison shot a look at Jed and nodded, which he returned silently. The redhead left the room and Abbey turned to Jed, clutching her coffee cup in both hands. "Ready?"

Her husband nodded, her bag on his arm and his own coffee cup in his hand. Abbey slid her hand into his free one, interlocking their fingers; he squeezed back reassuringly, kissing the top of her head.

They walked to the car silently, where Jed helped Abbey into the passenger seat and threw her bag in the back before getting into the driver's side. They didn't talk on the drive home; Abbey flicked on the radio, some country station filling the car. Back at the farm Jed helped Abbey out of the car and into the house, setting her up on the couch. She fell asleep almost instantly, curled up underneath a blanket.

Jed sat out on the porch, a glass of scotch on the table and a cigarette in his hand; he barely felt the cold January air, even though he was in only a sweater.

He wasn't expecting it when he felt the warm hands on his shoulders; he'd been so lost in thought he hadn't heard the door open behind him.

"Abbey, it's cold out here, you should-"

"I want to sit with you," she said quietly, and Jed shifted so she could curl up in his lap, his arms wrapped around her, keeping her warm. She pressed her head up under his chin, her forehead touching his jaw, and he swallowed, closing his eyes as he held her.

"Your mom and dad are bringing the girls back tomorrow at eleven," he murmured, and Abbey smiled a little in relief; she wanted her babies back. "She asked what we were going to tell Jack and his family, and Jonathon and his."

"The truth," Abbey replied quietly, nestling further into him when a gust of wind blew around them. "After we talk to the girls. We don't have to hide this."

Jed nodded, rubbing her back gently as he kissed her forehead.

"Still sore?" he asked, feeling her shift her weight and wince. She nodded against him, a small gasp escaping her lips. "Let's go lie down."

He picked her up easily; she looped her arms around his neck as he walked, supporting her easily. She closed her eyes, resting her head on Jed's shoulder as he climbed the stairs, barely out of breath by the time he reached their bedroom.

"You're too light," he commented lightly when he set her down on their bed, watching as she curled up under the covers and waited for him to join her.

He hadn't meant anything by the comment; she was just small- and in her head, she knew that.

But all she could think about was that if she was still pregnant, if she had gotten to the point in the pregnancy where it was noticeable and prominent, he wouldn't have been able to carry her as easily as he just had. Tears began to slip down her cheeks, and through the blurriness of the droplets, she could see Jed pale as he got in bed beside her.

"Abbey-"

She pressed against him, burying her face in his chest as the tears poured down her cheeks, sobs wracking her body. Jed's arms came around her, holding her close as he rubbed her back, whispering soothingly in her ear. She clung to him, clung to his voice, clung to the love and support he was giving her. She ached, everywhere, physically and emotionally, and the pain was threatening to overwhelm her.

"It hurts," she whispered through her tears, the words muffled in his chest. "Thinking about him, thinking about what _should_ be happening right now. I'm a doctor and I lost our own son, Jed. I lost him."

"Addison said it wasn't your fault, you know that Abbey," Jed said, shaking his head against hers, wishing he could make her see. "None of this is your fault sweetheart, none of it."

"But it feels like it is," Abbey sobbed, fresh tears starting. Jed knew that right now, there was nothing he could say to convince her, so he simply held her, letting her cry. He didn't cry; he couldn't, not now, not when Abbey needed him.

But an hour or so later, when Abbey had cried herself to sleep, Jed slipped out of the bed, turned the shower on, and let his own tears mix with the spray as it ran down his cheeks.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Your feedback is always so nice to hear! This story has officially earned me the nickname 'Emotion Destroyer' from my friend Kristina- which, I guess is pretty true. This chapter lives up to the nickname; there are some pretty sad Zoey moments in here, and a few Ellie moments that could break your heart.

Less than five weeks until I leave for college!

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

* * *

"Abbey, your parents just pulled in," Jed said quietly, sticking his head into the living room. Abbey looked up from her book, nodding as she stuck her bookmark in between the pages and stood slowly, rubbing the back of her neck.

She reached her husband and slid her arm around his waist; resting her head on his chest she hugged herself to him, feeling his arms come around her and hold her close. His lips touched the top of her head, and she sighed softly, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt.

"We don't have to tell them today if you don't want to, Abbey," he said quietly, pulling back and looking at her eyes, his blue irises shaded with concern. She shook her head, taking a deep breath.

"They deserve to know, Jed," she replied, moving with him towards the front door. "It isn't fair to keep it from them."

He merely nodded, opening the door and ushering the girls and his in-laws into the house, the January air frigid as it prepared to snow.

All three of the girls were tentative about going near Abbey until she dropped carefully to her knees in front of her middle daughter, undoing the buttons on Ellie's coat and pulling her into a tight hug, kissing her brunette head. Tears overflowed from the nine year old's emerald eyes as she clung to her mom, burying her face into Abbey's neck as her body moved with her sobs.

"I promised I'd come back," Abbey whispered roughly, her own eyes sparkling with tears as emotion clogged her throat. Ellie clutched at her tighter, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks, and Abbey ignored the pain that flared in her lower body at her position on the ground and the pressure her daughter was applying to her body with her tight hug. It didn't matter, not as much as comforting her daughter did. "I'm back, sweetheart."

Still holding Ellie, Abbey gathered her other two daughters into her arms, Liz on one side of Ellie, Zoey on the other. Jed stood with Emily and Richard only a foot or so away, Emily's hand tight on his arm, Richard's squeezing his shoulder gently. When the girls and Abbey separated a few minutes later, she came over to her parents, falling into her mother's embrace gratefully, burrowing her head into Emily's shoulder and trying desperately not to cry again. When Emily finally released her, Richard pulled Abbey into a tight hug, and she clung to her father, breathing in the scent of pipe tobacco and peppermint and shoe shine and her childhood.

"Thank you for watching them," she said when she pulled away, wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.

"Of course sweetheart," Emily said, gray eyes soft with concern. "How do you feel?"

"Sore," Abbey admitted, one hand resting lightly against her abdomen as she shifted her weight and winced.

"Is there anything we can do?" Richard asked, looking between his daughter and his son-in-law. Abbey looked at her husband, teeth pulling on her bottom lip when Jed's eyes didn't move to meet hers.

"Don't say anything to Jack about this yet," Abbey said, looking back to her parents. "Or to Diane or Jonathon. Not yet."

"Of course," Emily replied, nodding. "Let us know if you need anything, sweetheart. We're only a phone call away."

Abbey nodded, hugging her mother again, holding the embrace for a few long moments, struggling not to burst into tears. She pulled away and took a breath, trying to catch her husband's eyes, but he was hanging up the girls' coats and putting their shoes away, and so she swallowed, and turned back to look at her daughters.

"Say goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa, girls. You'll see them again soon," Abbey said, and the three girls flocked to their grandparents, exchanging hugs and kisses. Once Emily and Richard had left a silence fell, while Jed and Abbey helped the girls unpack. Abbey helped Ellie and Jed helped Zoey, while Liz shut her door and unpacked by herself.

Ellie was silent as they unpacked her bag, putting the dirty clothes in her hamper and going through the clean clothes to put away. Abbey watched her middle daughter with her heart in her throat; she didn't know what to say to comfort the nine year old. She sat on Ellie's bed while her daughter put her toothbrush back in the bathroom.

"Ellie?" Abbey asked softly when the little girl came back into the bedroom. Ellie swallowed, looking at her mom for a second before averting her gaze, looking at her toes. "Will you come sit with me please?"

Ellie came over almost reluctantly, sitting next to her mom on the edge of her bed, picking at a few loose treads in the comforter.

"Talk to me, Ellie," she asked quietly, tucking some of her daughter's dark hair behind her ears, getting it out of her eyes.

"What if you didn't come back?" Ellie asked in a small voice, tears beginning to run down her cheeks again. "What if you left like Grandpa and I never saw you again?"

"Oh, sweetheart," Abbey said, wrapping an arm around her daughter and hugging her tightly, kissing the top of her head. "Ellie, I know it was scary, but I'm okay now. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I'm right here, just like always."

She rubbed her daughter's back and rocked her gently, stroking her hair and murmuring soft reassurances.

"I love you so much, Ellie," she whispered, closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to spill over. "I'm sorry this was so scary for you."

"I just don't want you to go away," the nine year old whimpered, clutching Abbey tighter. "Mommy please don't go away."

"I won't sweetheart," Abbey whispered, pulling back to look into Ellie's eyes. "I won't go away again, I promise."

Ellie's green eyes were still swimming with tears, but she nodded, sniffling and wiping at her face. Abbey leaned over, grabbing a few tissues and drying away the tears, kissing her forehead after fo good measure.

"Your daddy and I have to talk to you guys about something," Abbey said, tucking some of Ellie's hair back behind her ear, the sadness clear in her tone. "Can you go down and sit in the living room for me while I go check on Lizzie?"

Ellie nodded, leaning forward to kiss her mom before sliding off the bed, padding towards the door. Abbey took a moment to collect herself before facing her oldest daughter; she left Ellie's room and headed for Liz's, knocking on the door softly.

"Liz?" she asked as she opened the door, finding her eldest daughter stowing her bag back in her closet. "Can I come in for a minute?"

Liz nodded, going over to her vanity and unpacking her travel bag, replacing the items with extra concentration. Abbey sat on the edge of the bed, watching her daughter.

"Grandma told me you know what happened," she said quietly, watching as Liz's shoulders tensed, her throat moving as she swallowed. "Lizzie, look at me, please."

It took a moment, but eventually Liz turned, blue eyes red from crying. Abbey patted the bed next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and kissing her temple lightly.

"I'm really sorry you lost him Mommy," Lizzie whispered against her neck, burrowing into her hug. Abbey closed her eyes, resting her head on top of her daughter's and hugging her tightly against her.

"Me too," she whispered, swallowing back against the tears. "The next few weeks are going to be really hard, and I'm sorry for that. I'm going to need a lot of help."

"Anything," the teenager replied, pulling back to meet her mom's gaze. "Anything you need."

Abbey smiled sadly, tucking her daughter's hair back and kissing her forehead.

"If you want to talk to someone, just tell me," Abbey said, seriousness touching her tone. "Your dad and I are going to talk to all three of you girls in a little while, but if you want to talk to someone else, I understand. Just tell me, okay?"

Liz nodded, and Abbey relaxed slightly, running a hand through her messy hair.

"Can you go downstairs and sit with Ellie until your father and I bring Zoey down?" Abbey asked, rising slowly from the bed, pain radiating from her abdomen. Liz nodded, standing too. "We'll just be a couple of minutes. Thank you, sweetheart."

Liz sent her mom a soft smile before leaving, and Abbey headed for Zoey's bedroom. Just as she went to grasp the knob the door opened, Jed carrying Zoey in his arms.

"Liz and Ellie are downstairs already," she said, and he nodded, shifting their youngest in his arms. Zoey's face was buried in her dad's neck, her arms looped tightly around his shoulders. Abbey looked at him questioningly, but he didn't seem to catch her look; she swallowed, following him down the stairs slowly.

In the living room, Jed sat on the left end of the couch, Zoey curled up in his lap, Ellie and Zoey sat on the floor in front of the couch, facing them, and Abbey sat next to Jed, in the middle. She took a deep breath, finding her husband's hand and linking their fingers before she started to talk.

"I know the past couple of days have been scary," she started, looking at all three of her girls, though Zoey still refused to look at her, even when Jed prompted her to turn her head with his shoulder. "And I'm sorry it had to be so scary for you girls. But it was scary for Mommy and Daddy too."

Ellie's eyes widened, and Zoey turned her head slightly so she could see her mom's face, and Abbey could see the tears in her youngest daughter's eyes. She swallowed, looking back at Ellie and Liz.

"Sometimes, things happen, and we don't always know why," she continued, her voice growing thicker with each word. Jed's hand in hers strengthened her, and she took a deep breath before continuing. "I had to go to the hospital because I lost the baby; I had a miscarriage."

Ellie's eyes got even wider, and Zoey look confused, but she could tell whatever was happening was distressing.

"What do you mean, 'lost'?" the four year old asked, piping up. "Can't you just go find him? He was in your tummy, he couldn't have gotten very far away."

Abbey's eyes brimmed even more with tears, and Liz came up to sit with her, holding her other hand.

"She means the baby went to Heaven, Zoey," Jed said softly, and Zoey's eyebrows contracted. "Honey, he died."

Zoey's face went blank, her mouth curving into a small 'O' shape. Abbey searched her face, heart breaking when the tears began to trickle down her baby's face.

"Zoey-"

"Is it because I asked if I'd hate the baby? Because I didn't mean it Mommy, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry I said it, I love the baby, Mommy, I'm sorry!" Zoey blurted out, voice catching as the words slid out all at once, tears slipping down her cheeks. Abbey's heart completely shattered, and she caught the glaze of tears in Jed's eyes as well.

"Oh, Zoey, baby," Abbey said, bringing the sobbing little girl onto her lap, hugging her tightly. "Oh, this isn't your fault sweetheart, it's no one's fault at all. Oh, Zoey."

Eventually Zoey's sobbing reduced to hiccups, and she pulled her damp face out of Abbey's shoulder, sniffling and wiping her eyes.

"Do you- do you still love me?" she asked, blue eyes lage and wet, clearly terrified Abbey would say no.

"Zoey, of course I still love you- this isn't your fault, sweetheart, not at all," Abbey said, framing her daughter's face in her hands and wiping away the tears with her thumbs. She pressed a kiss to Zoey's forehead, hugging her tightly. She looked at Ellie and Liz, both of whom were crying as well. "I love all of you so much."

She motioned for Ellie to join them on the couch, between herself and Jed, and Liz and Ellie hugged her on both sides, Zoey still clutching her in her lap. Abbey closed her eyes, swallowing- the ache in her chest lessened slightly.

They put the girls down for a nap; all three of them, even Liz, went willingly. No one had slept well recently. In their bedroom Abbey changed in the bathroom while Jed closed the curtains, and when she came out in one of his old t-shirts and a pair of sweats, he turned to look at her, opening his mouth.

"You told Zoey it was no one's fault. Please tell me that that means you don't blame yourself," he said, looking at her with eyes edged with confusion. She swallowed, looking away, eyes clenched shut. "Abbey-"

"It was my body, Jed!" she cried, opening eyes filled with tears. "He was inside my body, and when he was there, he was supposed to be safe! That was my only job, to keep him safe for another twenty two weeks. So it _is_ my fault Jed- it's all my fault!"

He stared at her for a few moments, his blue eyes completely unreadable.

"I'm going for a drive," he said, and her heart dropped to her toes.

"Jed, please-"

"I don't know how to help you, Abbey!" he exclaimed, his blue eyes a mixture of pain and anger and devastation. "I don't know what to say, I don't know how to comfort you, and I sure as _hell_ have no clue what to say to our daughters. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore!"

Abbey watched as he snatched up a sweatshirt, his hands shaking. He grasped the door handle, his back to hers.

"If the girls wake up and I'm still gone, tell them I'll be back by bedtime to read to them," he said, not turning around. Before Abbey could reply he'd left the room, shutting the door behind him. She stayed rooted in her spot for a few moments, trying to collect herself. She closed her eyes, tilting her head back and clenching her fists, working to keep herself in check.

There was a tiny knock, and she relaxed as Zoey peeked her touseled head in.

"Mommy, can I sleep with you?" she asked, eyes hazy with sleep and her thumb in her mouth.

"Of course, sweetie," she said, helping the preschooler up onto the bed. Just as she'd predicted, a few moments later Ellie was there, followed soon by Liz. "C'mon, you guys can come up too."

The girls all cuddled in the large bed, Abbey in the middle of her girls. She tried to push Jed from her mind, but she could still see his face when he'd told her he didn't know how to help her. Jed was rarely helpless, and rarely unable to control a situation, and she knew he hated not being able to help her.

She barely even knew how to help herself; how could she make her husband see that?

"Mommy, where's Daddy?" Ellie asked, eyes closed and voice soft; she was clearly almost asleep.

"He'll be home soon baby," she whispered, rubbing her back. "Go to sleep."

She could only pray that what she said was true.

* * *

Jed caught his breath as he reached the kitchen, the adrenaline of raising his voice wearing off slowly.

He knew he shouldn't have taken out his frustration on Abbey, but he'd been keeping it inside and he just couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to lash out, to take his anger out somehow; he just didn't _know_ how.

He grabbed the phone, dialing the familiar number. When the man on the other end picked up, Jed took a deep breath before speaking.

"Leo, is now a good time?"


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: It's so nice to hear all the feedback on this story! To my anon reviewer, gibbslovesjenny- I am SO glad to hear that you'll be starting The West Wing! It really is an incredible show, you won't regret watching!

At this point, Leo is still drinking, and his alcoholism isn't being treated. I won't be touching on the Valium aspect in this story, but you can assume he's also taking that as well.

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

* * *

Leo McGarry knew that when Jed Bartlet called and asked if it was a good time, you made it a good time.

"I'm at the Mariott in Manchester; room 107," Leo had replied, and he could hear the gratitude that had been in his friend's voice.

He was in New Hampshire because when he'd gone to Jed's Congressional office in DC, he'd been informed by Jed's Chief of Staff, Ron Waters, that Jed would be working from the Manchester office for the next month or so. Worried about Jed, he'd caught a flight up to Manchester. Jenny and Mallory were still in DC, and he swallowed against he sadness in his throat. He felt as though he barely saw his family anymore, and here he was taking one of his few free weekends to see Jed.

He pushed the thoughts away, glancing at the hotel minibar. Just as he was debating making himself a drink there was a knock on the door, and he turned. Opening the door, he found Jed standing in the hallway, dressed in only a sweater, despite the threat of impending snow.

"Jed," Leo greeted him warmly, grabbing him into a hug. Jed hugged him back briefly, looking ragged and tired. Leo brought him into the room, shutting the door and leading Jed to the couch. "How are you?"

Jed let out a short, harsh laugh, and Leo's eyebrows rose.

"Why are you in New Hampshire, Leo?" Jed asked, leaving Leo's question unanswered. "It's not because of the weather."

"Ron said you were going to be working from your New Hampshire office for the next month or so because of personal reasons," Leo answered after a moment, seeing Jed's blue eyes tighten in pain briefly. "What's going on Jed? Is it you- are you sick? Is Abbey okay- are the girls alright?"

Jed held up a hand to stop the flow of words from Leo's mouth, mouth tight in the corners. His hands were locked together in front of him, his elbows leaning on his knees. He took a deep breath and straightened up, meeting Leo's worried gaze.

"Abbey and I got pregnant again," he started quietly, and Leo frowned, wondering why that would put Jed in such a morose mood. "Three days ago, she miscarried."

Leo's heart dropped and he swallowed, struggling with what to say. Jed's luminescent blue eyes were rimmed red, tears sparkling on the lids.

"It was a boy," he whispered roughly, clenching his jaw as he worked to tamper down the emotion, clearing his throat. "We lost our only son."

Leo stood, clasping Jed's shoulder tightly; it was the only comfort he knew how to give. He and Jenny had never had an trouble with pregnancy; they'd gotten pregnant with Mallory, and decided one was enough. It had to be hard for Jed; he and Abbey had three health girls, and to learn they were having a boy and then lose him must be devastating.

"How's Abbey?" he asked quietly, stepping back when Jed stood abruptly, beginning to pace.

"I don't know how to help her, Leo," Jed said, a touch of desperation tingeing his voice. "I don't know how to help my daughters, I don't know how to help my wife, I don't even know how to help _myself_, Leo. I don't even know how to be honest with Abbey about how I feel because I'm terrified that I'll say something and she'll fall apart."

Leo let him rant silently, knowing he needed it.

"She blames herself, and I don't know how to convince her otherwise- a trained doctor has already told her that she isn't at fault, but she refuses to believe it," Jed continued, hands gesturing wildly in the air. "Zoey thinks it's her fault because she asked if she was going to hate the baby- she's only four years old, Leo! Ellie thought she was never going to see Abbey again at the hospital, when they took her back, and Liz has more stress on her shoulders than any teenager should have! I don't know how to make this easier on my family- if my being here is what they need, though, my job comes second. I can't be a two hour plane ride away every time Abbey needs me to be with the girls because it's all too much. I can't be that kind of a father."

"I think you're doing the right thing, Jed," Leo said once Jed was quiet, and the younger man looked up, blue eyes wide and wet and gleaming with surprise. "Coming from a man who put his work in front of his family too much, I think you're right to put Abbey and the girls first. I can't say that the job won't call you back; both you and I know there are votes you can't miss. But being here may help you just as much as it helps them. You don't want to be in Washington, worrying about your girls. I understand, Jed."

Jed's shoulders relaxed, and he stopped pacing, sinking back down onto the couch.

"I don't know how to fix this, Leo," Jed whispered, his head cradled in his hands. "I don't know what to do."

"It's just gonna take time Jed," Leo said, sitting next to Jed and placing his hand on Jed's back. "It's just gonna take time."

They fell silent, and Jed swallowed.

Time was what he was afraid of.

* * *

Abbey woke up before the girls; carefully extracting herself from Ellie's grasp she eased herself out of bed, tiptoeing to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her, leaning against it with a quiet breath.

She glanced in the mirror, wincing at her appearance; she looked tired and ragged. Maybe if she looked more like herself, she'd feel more like herself.

She showered slowly, taking time to wash her hair and condition it. The bathroom was filled with coconut-scented steam by the time she was finished, and after she'd dried off and put her robe on, she cracked the door open to release it. All three girls stirred in the bed, and while Abbey combed through her thick hair, she heard them starting to wake up.

"Hey my sleeping beauties," she said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed and stroking Zoey's strawberry blonde curls. "How was your nap?"

Zoey turned, cuddling into Abbey's lap, yawning as she buried her face into Abbey's robe. Liz sat up and stretched, yawning and rubbing at her eyes, while Ellie buried her face into Jed's pillow, her body still hidden under the covers.

"Where's Daddy?" Liz asked, frowning as she looked around, running a hand through her messy, dark hair. Abbey compressed her lips, sighing softly; she honestly didn't know where her husband was.

"He'll be back by bedtime," she answered, and Liz frowned, but didn't say anything.

Together, Abbey and Liz roused Ellie and Zoey, and after promising Zoey she could take a bath in the 'grown-up' bathtub in Abbey and Jed's bathroom, had Liz bring them downstairs to watch a movie while Abbey got dressed and cleaned up the bedroom.

She was just coming down the stairs when she heard the front door shut; then, Zoey's excited voice was heard as she ran to Jed. Abbey swallowed, walking into the living room, where Jed had sprawled out on the couch, Zoey on his chest, and Ellie and Liz on both sides of him. He met her gaze and offered a tenative smile, which she returned, just grateful that he'd come home.

"I brought home Chinese, since I figured you wouldn't want to cook," he said, shifting slightly so there was room for Abbey on the couch. She sat on Ellie's other side, entwining her fingers with Jed's above their middle daughter's head. He squeezed gently, blue eyes meeting hers. She knew they had a lot to talk about, but for now she enjoyed the peace of the living room.

After the movie they reheated the Chinese food and ate cross-legged in the living room, per Ellie's request. She was learning about Native Americans in school, and wanted to do everything just like them. Abbey didn't have the heart to tell her no, and Jed was a pushover anyway, so they sat in their little circle, eating quietly.

"You guys are going to go to school tomorrow, okay?" Abbey asked, looking around at her three girls, who all nodded. "We told your teachers what happened, and if you want to talk to anyone, or you feel sad in class, you just talk to them, okay?"

All three girls nodded, and Abbey relaxed a little.

"And I'll be home every day this week when you get off the bus," she said, and all three pairs of eyes widened in surprise. "For the next three weeks, actually."

"And I'll be home too," Jed said, and the three heads whipped in his direction, just as stunned by his revelation as they had been by Abbey's. "I'm not going back to Washington until March."

"Daddy, you mean you'll be home all the time?" Zoey asked, blue eyes wide. Jed had been a Congressman for the past two years; Zoey barely remembered a time when Jed was home more than just a weekend, aside from holidays. Abbey watched him swallow, and her heart ached. She knew he hated the strain it put on their girls and her when he was away, but she didn't begrudge him his responsibility, and she knew the girls were proud of him too, even if they didn't understand why he was away all the time.

"That's right, sweetheart," Jed answered, swallowing down the emotion. "I'll be home all the time, for the next month and a half or so."

"So you could come to my math meet after school next week?" Ellie asked tentatively, as though afraid he'd say no.

"Tell me when and I'll be there," Jed said solemnly, and Ellie's eyes lit up; her dad was rarely able to come to her math meets, since he was in Washington during the week. Abbey settled back against the couch and smiled softly to herself, swirling her water around her glass. Ellie and Liz got Jed involved in a conversation, and Zoey crawled over to Abbey, silently asking permission to climb onto her lap. Once Abbey had adjusted herself slightly Zoey curled up against her, her tiny body fitting perfectly against Abbey's.

"I love you so much Zoey, I hope you know that," Abbey said quietly, resting her chin on top of her baby's head and stroking her hair, her other arm hugging Zoey closely. "And this week you and me will spend lots of time together, okay?"

She felt Zoey nod against her and grasp her shirt firmly, cuddling herself as close as possible to her mother. Abbey kissed the crown of Zoey's head softly, rubbing her back. She looked at Jed and Liz and Ellie, swallowing thickly against the emotion that suddenly threatened to drown her.

She didn't know how her heart could handle the strain of loving her family, and dealing with the loss of her son.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I'm so glad to see everyone is enjoying this story! This chapter focuses a lot of Abbey and Jed, and communication (or lack thereof). The next few chapters will deal with getting life back to 'normal', and the girls and their actions after everything, along with Abbey calling Jed's mother and brother and a few other friends to tell them what happened. The angst is nowhere near over- prepare yourselves to feel it full force in a handful of chapters or so!

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

_"Baby I'll let go, when you say so," -'Halo', Tim McGraw_

* * *

After Abbey gave Zoey her bath, and Jed read her a story and put her to sleep, and Ellie and Liz had gone to their rooms as well, the Bartlet parents finally took a deep breath.

Jed went out to smoke a cigarette while Abbey finished putting away the dishes and checking on the laundry, the silence of the house almost eerie. She sighed, flicking on the radio, some old, jazzy tune coming through the speakers. She didn't really listen to it; it just filled the gaping quiet around her.

She knew she and Jed needed to talk; they couldn't just ignore the fight they'd had in the bedroom earlier. His words still made her heart twist; she didn't want him to be in pain, or at least in no more pain than he had to be.

Abbey was just turning off the radio in preparation to go upstairs when Jed shut the patio door and stepped inside, tossing his pack of cigarettes and lighter on the counter, running a hand through his hair. Abbey watched him quietly, concern creasing her brow when he rubbed at his lower back.

"Does your back hurt?" she asked, stepping forward and tilting her head, meeting his gaze when he lifted his eyes to her.

"It aches some," he replied, wincing when he hit a particularly sore spot, his face contracting in pain. Abbey's eyes tightened, and she tenderly moved his hands, replacing them with her own as she pushed his sweater and t-shirt up. His muscles were tense under her fingertips; she could feel the tightness, and she knew he was in more pain than he was letting onto.

"Did you throw your back out again today?" she asked, glancing around at him, he shook his head, though everything about his body language was tight as her fingers pressed lightly. Jed had thrown out his back a few months ago trying to fix something in the barn, and he was plagued by chronic back pain now. This was more inflamed than normal; he'd done something. "Jed, what happened? Please talk to me."

"I went to the gym," he answered after a few long minutes, voice tensing when she traveled lower and hit a sensitive nerve. "Lifted weights; must have been too much for me."

"Maybe a shower will help," Abbey said, and he nodded tightly. She was sure sitting on the floor and carrying Zoey all over the house had only aggravated the nerves. "I'll grab the oil, try to rub some of the knots out."

"Abbey, I'm okay, you don't have-"

"Jed, I want to. It will make you feel better," Abbey interrupted, cutting him off with the shake of her head. "You're doing everything for me- let me do something for you. Please."

He looked at her for a long moment, and then he nodded, wincing when he shifted his weight and pain shot up his spine. He caught his breath and Abbey walked with him slowly to the stairs, knowing each step was going to be painful for him. When they finally reached their bedroom Jed dropped onto the mattress with an agonized groan, and Abbey bit her lip, sitting next to him and stroking his hair. She laid back against the pillows, pulling his head into her lap gently, listening to his pained breaths and her quiet inhaling and exhaling, the otherwise silent room seeming bigger than it actually was.

Abbey opened her mouth to speak when Jed sat up slowly, wincing visibly when he stood and straightened, his blue eyes hazy with pain.

"I'm going to shower," he said, and she nodded. She almost asked if he wanted her to join him, but held back, honestly worried he'd say no. He grabbed a pair of sweats before shutting the bathroom door, and Abbey closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

She changed into a nightgown and turned down the bed, the massage oil on the bedside table. She was just finishing putting away the laundry she'd brought up when Jed came out, steam billowing into the room as he walked stiffly. She brushed her teeth quickly and pulled her hair back in a low ponytail, shutting the light off as she walked out.

Jed was obviously trying to get comfortable; he'd move and a gasp of pain would fill the room. Abbey cringed in sympathy, moving towards the bed and grabbing the oil, getting in on her side.

"Does it feel any better after the shower?" she asked, and he exhaled slowly, turning his head towards her and opening his eyes.

"It's still tight," he replied, voice rough with pain. Abbey's fingers lightly traced his cheek, her teeth sinking into her lower lip. He was on his stomach, so Abbey kneeled near his left hip, covering her hands with some of the oil and lightly kneeding the muscles. Jed inhaled sharply, his whole body tensing before it relaxed slowly, limb by limb, as Abbey massaged the tight muscles.

When his body was more relaxed she shifted to straddle his hips, the movement putting strain on her abdomen, but ignoring it as she shifted her focus to his upper back and shoulders. They still hadn't said a word; it was almost better that way. They could almost pretend that the past three days hadn't been a nightmare, and that their worlds hadn't been turned upside down; they could almost pretend that tonight was just another quiet night between the two of them.

Suddenly, Abbey was desperate for more; to feel him against her, inside her, all over. She swallowed, closing her eyes, trying to catch her breath. The heat kept rising, and while every nerve was screaming that she wasn't ready for this, her body wasn't up for this kind of activity, a part of her brain told her to keep going, to act on the urge.

She moved off of Jed's back, stretching out on his left side, closing her eyes and trying to relax her suddenly too-tense muscles. She could feel Jed, feel his warmth beside her, though, and she tried to breathe evenly, but there was a faint hitch she was almost sure he could hear. There's movement beside her and she holds her breath; Jed's hand is warm on her hip, and she clenches her eyes shut even harder. "Abbey?"

He said her name like a question, and it took everything she had not to gasp. God, _why_ did she have to feel like this?

She was a doctor, she was logical; she knew they couldn't do this, not for weeks. But there was a part of her that felt like the only way to fix this was to kiss him.

"Abbey, what's wrong?" Jed asked, concern laced with the sleep in his voice. She keeps her eyes closed, shaking her head, and he frowned, stroking her hip lightly.

Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to hers gently, preparing to turn on his side and go to sleep; he didn't anticipate her responding to the kiss, cupping his face in her hands, opening her mouth under his. Confused, he kissed her back, tucking her body against his; he understood physical comfort.

But when she started to tug at the waistband of his sweatpants, he pulled back, stilling his body's impulses and gently grasping her wrists, holding her back so he could meet her eyes. "Abbey, sweetheart, look at me."

But she couldn't. The embarrassment made her face pink, and she bit her lip as she squeezed her eyes shut, the tears barely held at bay. She choked back the sob, her chest burning.

Jed delicately brought her into his chest, holding her against him gently. His heart twisted when he felt the warm liquid of her tears against his bare skin, and he closed his eyes, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

"I can't- I can't do this without you," she whimpered, burying her face in his neck and hiccuping, trying to breathe but being overwhelmed by the tears she couldn't compete against. "You- you said you don't know how- how to help but just being here- it's enough. Jed, I need you here."

He held her tighter, burying his face in her hair, clenching his eyes shut against the tears that suddenly invaded his thoat.

"It hurts," she whispered, voice raw. "It just _hurts_, Jed."

"I wish I could make it better," he whispered back, and it was the first time she'd truly heard tears in his voice. "Oh, I wish I could make it better, Abbey."

She pressed herself closer to him, his skin warm against hers, his legs entwining with hers as she pressed her cheek to his chest, tears still trickling from her eyes.

"Please hold me until I fall asleep?" she asked in a soft voice, closing her eyes and wishing they weren't here; that this wasn't happening to them, that they could go back a week to when everything was perfect.

"Always," Jed whispered back in a similarly soft voice, his arms encircling her gently and holding her to him. She turned her head and pressed a gentle kiss to his shoulder, whispering the three most important words to him before she settled down, exhaling slowly. "I love you too, Abbey."

If only those three words could do more than just comfort.

* * *

_"Cry, cry; baby, I can't hold us together," -'Halo', Tim McGraw_


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I've taken poetic license when it comes to Abbey's family and Jed's mother/brother- Jed mentions a brother-in-law at one point in the show but never specifies, and I can't see Jed having a sister and not saying anything, so I gave Abbey a younger brother, and Abbey mentions a nephew at one point as well (but I've given them plenty of nieces and nephews)- we'll meet Jack and his family next chapter. As always, your feedback is wonderful!

(I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but oh well- the next handful of chapters will be vitally important!)

Disclaimer: I own only the idea and the OCs; nothing original to The West Wing is mine, sadly.

* * *

Abbey woke up before Jed the next morning, and left him sleeping, slipping into her robe before heading downstairs, starting coffee and getting breakfast ready for the girls. Once she'd made sure Liz was up and in the shower she woke Ellie up, the nine year old emerging from the covers bedheaded and bleary-eyed. Abbey let Zoey sleep a little longer, and figured Jed would get up when he wanted.

By the time her two eldest daughters came down the stairs Abbey already had cereal and fruit laid out for them, and they settled into their seats sleepily. She worked on packing their lunches while asking them questions about what their days were going to be like, working hard to make everything as normal as possible.

The girls were putting their boots on when Jed came downstairs, running a hand through his hair wearily; neither he nor Abbey had gotten much sleep the night before. He kissed both the girls goodbye as they headed off to their bus stop, then poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table.

"I'll go wake Zoey," she said quietly, and he merely nodded, fingers already reaching for his pack of cigarettes and lighter. Abbey swallowed as he stood and moved to the back deck, sliding the door shut behind him as he put one of the white cylinders in his mouth, the flash of orange as he lit it lighting up his face momentarily.

She turned and headed upstairs, knowing that the rift between them was driving him to smoke more, but unable to think of a way to stop it. She sighed softly as she reached the top of the stairs, opening Zoey's door and approaching the small form under the covers.

"Zoey, baby, it's time to wake up," Abbey said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed and stroking Zoey's unruly strawberry blonde hair, just barely peeking out from under the covers. The small body stirred, a quiet moan issuing from her daughter. "I know it's early baby but you have to get ready for school."

Zoey's blue eyes blinked open slowly, her blue irises hazy with sleep. She rolled into Abbey, pressing her face into her lap.

"Don't wanna go," she mumbled, shaking her head. "Wanna stay with you."

Abbey bit her lip, stoking Zoey's head, torn.

"Zoey, you missed Friday last week; don't you want to learn what you missed?" she asked, trying to coax her daughter. Zoey shook her head, curling further against Abbey.

"I wanna stay with you and Daddy," she answered, looking up at Abbey with big blue eyes. "Please Mommy?"

Abbey couldn't say no to her daughter, especially after the turmoil of the past weekend. She nodded, bending to press a kiss to Zoey's head, sighing quietly.

"Go back to sleep, Zo," she said, helping the little girl get rearranged under the covers. "Come downstairs when you wake up and we'll have some breakfast, okay?"

Zoey nodded, snuggling back into her pillow, lips parting in a yawn. Abbey watched her for a few moments before leaving quietly, shutting the door behind her. She headed back downstairs to tell Jed, finding him reading the paper at the kitchen table.

"Zoey's staying home today," she said as she picked up her coffee mug, taking a sip. Jed turned to look at her, tugging his glasses off of his face.

"Is that a good idea Abbey?" he asked, skeptism in his face. "Shouldn't she be back at school, around her friends?"

"Jed, our daughter asked to stay home because she wanted to be around us," Abbey said, placing her mug on the counter and walking towards the stairs, voice full of exhaustion. "I'm sorry if you disagree but the decision has already been made. I'm going to shower; if Zoey comes down before I'm out make her breakfast."

As Abbey stood under the spray from the shower, though, she regretted her harshness. Jed had asked honest questions, and he made a good point; Zoey should be around kids her own age, not clutching to her parents. She hadn't meant to snap, but she was exhausted from a sleepness night and she could practically taste the sadness lining her throat and threatening to suffocate her.

She took her time in the bedroom, getting dressed and drying her hair, making the bed and gathering up clothes from the girls' rooms to do laundry. When she came back downstairs with a basket full of clothes, she found Jed and Zoey curled up on the couch, one of her cartoons on. Both looked like they were fighting a losing battle with sleep, and so Abbey tiptoed quietly to the basement door and slipped inside, heading to the washing machine and starting a new load.

Once the machine was started Abbey leaned back against it with a sigh, closing her eyes briefly. Her head hurt, and the ache in her abdomen still hadn't subsided. She just wanted to crawl in bed and never leave, and the irrational part of her brain told her to do just that for the rest of the day.

But she knew she had to call her brother, along with Jed's mother and brother. She anticipated them wanting to come see them; she knew she'd have to gear herself for visits from both family and friends. She sighed, rubbing at her forehead, feeling the headache growing even more massive.

She headed back upstairs to clean up from breakfast and check on Jed and Zoey; both were still asleep, the cartoon playing quietly in the background. With a soft, sad smile she washed and dried the breakfast dishes, putting them away before grabbing the phone to call the hospital, wanting to check in and make sure everything was okay. She made her way to the study, leaving the door open a crack before dialing the familiar number.

"Manchester University Hospital, this is Rhonda speaking."

"Hey, Rhonda, it's Abbey," she said, settling into the office chair and draping a blanket over her shoulders, shivering slightly. "I just wanted to check how things are."

"You should be resting, not worrying about us," Rhonda scolded lightly, though her tone was warm. "We're doing fine, Abbey. We're all thinking about you."

They were straying too close to territory Abbey didn't want to be in; she squirmed in the seat as she turned the conversation away from the miscarriage.

"Thank you," she replied, swallowing. "So everything's covered?"

"Yes, Abbey- don't worry about us. Focus on you," Rhonda said, and Abbey swallowed again.

"Thanks, Rhonda," she replied, and after a quick goodbye, hung up and put the phone on the desk, closing her eyes. She took a few deep breaths, resting her head back against the chair, tugging the blanket more firmly around her shoulders. It smelled like Jed, and she took comfort in the familiar scent.

She didn't know how she was going to get through any more calls. Aside from her family, she had friends to call as well, and she wasn't sure how she could handle all of them. She supposed she could ask Jed to help, but if she could barely explain it, how could he?

She sat in the silence for a little while, but when her back and abdomen started to hurt she stood, refolding the blanket and heading back into the kitchen. She found Zoey coloring on the floor, Jed still asleep on the couch; she winced, realizing he hadn't slept much more than she had. She covered him carefully with a blanket, making sure not to wake him.

"C'mon Zo; let's get dressed and we'll pick a movie to watch upstairs on my bed so we don't wake Daddy," Abbey said quietly, shutting the television off and leading her daughter by the hand upstairs.

Zoey was quieter than usual as Abbey helped her pick out an outfit; once she'd brushed her teeth they went through the movies together and Zoey settled on The Fox and the Hound. Abbey settled Zoey down in the master bedroom and told her she'd be right back; taking the phone with her into the upstairs guest room, she took a deep breath and dialed her mother-in-law's number.

"Hello Diane, it's Abbey," she said once she'd picked up, hearing the instant shift in demeanor on the other end.

"Abbey, dear, are you alright?" Diane Bartlet asked, concern clear in her tone. Abbey liked her mother-in-law; as harsh and cruel as John Bartlet had been to his son, Diane was kind and gentle, showing none of the hostility her husband had. "Your mother called on Friday and I haven't heard anything since."

"That's why I'm calling," Abbey said, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Jed and I invited you over last week to tell you we were pregnant again. But Thursday night, I had a miscarriage. It's been...a long weekend."

She swallowed the bitter laugh; she didn't want to worry Diane any more than she had to.

"Oh, Abbey..." Diane said softly, voice full of hushed anguish for her. "Oh dear, I am so sorry. How far along were you?"

"Almost eighteen weeks," she replied quietly, throat thickening with emotion. "We'd just found out we were having a boy."

The silence was thick on the phoneline, and Abbey squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to cry. She was so sick of crying.

"Do they know what happened?" Diane asked after a few more moments of quiet, and Abbey blew out a slow breath.

"There was a tear in the placenta; he stopped getting oxygen, and my body tried to go into labor," Abbey explained, swallowing against the sadness in her throat. "We had to do a D and C; everything is...fine, now. It's just a matter of healing."

"How's Jed? The girls?" Diane asked after another pause. "Are you in pain?"

"Jed's staying home from Washington for the next few weeks," Abbey replied, another twinge of guilt flooding her. "The girls are coping; we'd only told them a week ago, it wasn't like Jed and I- we've known for weeks now. The pain isn't too bad, just if I move around too much."

"Do you need me to come help at all, with the girls?" Diane asked, and Abbey was touched by her concern.

"Not at the moment- but if you could possibly take the girls for the weekend?" Abbey asked, already trying to plan time alone with Jed so they could truly talk. "I'm not back to work for three weeks, but having a quiet house might do some good."

"Of course," Diane replied, and Abbey swallowed, placing her hand on her neck. "How are you, Abbey? Really?"

"It's really hard," she whispered, tears blossoming in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over. "I don't know how to talk to Jed, I don't know the right way to handle the girls, and every time I look in the mirror it hurts to know that I'm the reason we lost him."

"Abbey, this isn't your fault," Diane said, as gently yet firmly as she could. "I'm sure Jed has already had this arguement with you, but I'll restate it. Things happen, and we don't always know why. But this is not on you, Abbey- and I'm sure no one blames you for anything."

Abbey bit her lip against the tears trailing down her cheeks; she tried to breathe evenly, but she was sure her mother-in-law heard the hitch in it. She wiped furious at her cheeks, grabbing a tissue out of the box on the nightstand.

"I wish I could see it that simply," she replied quietly- and she really did wish she could. "Maybe it would hurt a little less if I could. But it isn't that easy for me, and I know it's making it harder on Jed, but I can't see it any other way. And it's killing me."

"Do you want me to talk to Jed?" Diane asked, and Abbey chewed on her lip, debating.

"Maybe in a few days," Abbey answered, shifting on the guest bed. "For now, we need to work out some things just the two of us. Thank you, though, Diane."

"Of course, anything," her mother-in-law replied, and Abbey took a deep breath.

"Do you think you could call Jonathon, and tell him?" she asked, hesitant. "He and Jed don't have the best relationship, and..."

"Of course, Abbey," Diane said, and Abbey let out a breath of relief. "I'll have him give you a call in a few days."

"Thank you," she said sincerely, biting her lip gently. She picked at a few loose threads in the bedspread, swallowing. "I've got to call Jack- I'll call you in a few days, check back in. And I'll be sure Jed calls you."

"Take your time, Abbey," Diane said maternally, and Abbey nodded to herself, swallowing. "And take care, sweetheart. This is the time to focus on you."

Abbey thanked her and said goodbye, falling back gently against the pillows and closing her eyes, emotionally drained from the phone call. She knew she needed to call her brother next, but she was too tired.

Getting up, she made her way to her bedroom, where Zoey was curled up under the covers. Abbey slid in next to her, cuddling up with the preschooler and breathing in her little girl scent, kissing the top of her head. Zoey sighed sleepily and closed her eyes, snuggling closer to her mom's chest.

"Can we get a puppy?" Zoey murmured, eyes still shut and voice slurred slightly with sleep. Abbey smiled softly, closing her eyes as well.

"We'll talk about it."

* * *

Jed woke up disoriented; once he realized he as on the couch in the living, he relaxed, blowing out a deep breath. The television was off, he was covered in a blanket, and Zoey wasn't curled up next to him anymore. He cleared his throat, straightening up and rubbing a hand down his face, looking around him.

He didn't see Abbey or Zoey, and a glance at the clock told him it was almost lunch time. Standing and stretching, he made his way through the house, frown deepening when he didn't encounter them. He headed upstairs, finding them curled up in the bed, the credits of a movie scrolling across the television.

Both of his girls were asleep, and he just watched them for a moment, his heart in his throat. His family was his entire world; he didn't know what he'd do without his wife or daughters. He wouldn't be the man he was today; he wouldn't live the life he did. Meeting Abbey all those years ago had been fate, he was sure of it, and maybe this tragedy could have its reasons as well.

He vowed to talk to her; no more hiding his feelings and only hurting them more. Maybe he'd call his mother and as her to watch the girls for the weekend; she'd be more than willing to spend time with the girls.

Zoey began to stir quietly, stretching and yawning, and Jed smiled softly, finding himself glad his youngest daughter had stayed home today.

Maybe she could be the bridge that brought Abbey and Jed back to solid ground.


End file.
